One of the good things about your family living in a city where you don't know anyone is that being there kind of feels like a vacation. I don't have to worry about making sure I visit everyone, or worry that if I don't, they'll be angry. Maybe that sounds anti-social. Maybe it IS antisocial...I'm just being honest. And apparently, from reading other blogs, it seems that we mold our blogs to say a great deal about who we are, what we believe, and maybe even who we want to be. I wonder what picture this blog paints of myself...
But now, I am going to cheat and write something that I wrote in my journal the other day. Because after I wrote it, I really liked it and realized I could kill two birds with one stone (except that I hate that expression, but I can't think of an alternative). :)
[begin excerpt!]
"I wish that I could be the kind of easygoing, optimistic person who can so easily see the big picture. And sometimes I am that person. If I'm honest with myself, I am like that when I'm currently walking with God. Only when I'm spiritually dry and apathetic do I become all of the things I hate - selfish, lazy (well, laziness is always an issue), self-absorbed, bitter, quick to anger, money-hungry, self-loathing, etc. etc. Life without Jesus is truly awful in comparison. So why do I so often revert to it? As I have more and more experiences in this state of mind, I begin to see more and more clearly how Christianity is IT, how it truly answers my deepest-held questions and banishes my most unsettling feelings. For example, my quickness to sentimentality: I can let myself get lost in feeling sad that the past is gone, but I know that if I live my life like God intended for us to, living wholly in the moment, living with purpose, then I would have no time or desire for despairing about what can never be again. And concerning my tendency to feel inferior and socially incompetent, those problems start to resolve or get pushed aside when I'm close to God.
So the question remains: why can't I stay close to Him? Well, I've thought up the answer to my own question. How can I stay close to someone without doing that which keeps us close in the first place? It's like trying to stay close to a friend without ever talking to him, meeting with him, or acknowledging him at all. It's physically impossible! Duh, Amy! So therefore, my one desperately important "resolution" for this semester is to stay close to my Savior, the One who knows how many hairs I have on my head, the One who knows when a little sparrow falls from his tree. The One who not only saved me from the abyss, but who saved me from my own abyss. To talk to Him, listen to Him, and read His personal message to the world. Also, to not waste my time in idle, selfish musings about what I want, which right now is to "travel the world." Sometimes I let this travel bug consume my every thought - and this is a dangerous thing. It makes me discontent with my current situation, which is something an ardent Christ-follower should not be. (And I think that I'm where God wants me to be right now). Of course I will always want to travel, I can't help that. But I need to surrender this desire to Him, really surrender it. I need to say, "Father, you know this deep desire of mine. Use it as You will. If it could be useful to the Kingdom, then may it be. But if it would be better in all regards for me to lay it down completely at the moment, then please let me know, and give me the strength to do so. Let it never control me or keep me from doing Your work in the here and now, right where I am."
Deep in my heart, I know that this is what I really want. It's hard to have such heavy burdens of desire! To always be striving to BE somebody else. It is so much easier to say, Here God, I want you to take them. I am tired of striving to fulfill them when there are so many more important things to do, things of lasting significance.
Ahh. I don't like to be so dramatic. But maybe I have to face the fact that I AM that which I don't like...I think too much sometimes. And write it on this little blog for all the world to see. (:
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Here is the beauty of God's love: we don't have to beat ourselves up for not being perfect, and we don't have to strive to be somebody else! Yes, we are to follow Christ's example in our everyday lives...but Christ also died to cleanse us of our imperfections and take that burden away from us. Christ lived perfectly because He knew that we never could. Rather than mourn our insufficiencies, we should praise God that His Son was able to overcome the world in ways that we never could...rather than put ourselves down, we should thank the Lord for redeeming His creation.
ReplyDeleteWe should rejoice in our Salvation--not mourn our fall!
For one reason or another, God made you to be a great thinker. While you may see it as making you 'socially awkward' or 'over-thinking', God sees it as the perfect opportunity to further His glory in ways that you may not even see yet. He knew you even before He formed you, and He had the greatest purpose in the world for doing so.
I loved this post, Amy. It was so genuine and honest...and you've just spoken of thoughts and feelings that are by far thought of by many of us. One of the greatest gifts that God gave the Body of Christ was fellowship and support. We are here to help one another and encourage one another (much like we read of Paul's encouragement to Timothy today in 2 Tim.). Don't ever forget that!
Betsy, Amy, I love you both!
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