Floating on...

How to start?

Hmm. I always read back over my old posts and hate them. I sound lame...

So this move has brought some new insights about myself. The last time I moved I was 11. Now I am 18. I find out that I'm still really bad at moving, at starting new places. I guess I've always gotten really attached to houses -- not really the houses themselves, but the fact that they are the centers of my lives in each place, my sanctuaries, my home bases. I can still remember the first painful event in my life, when I moved from the first home I can remember in Tallahassee, Florida when I was seven. We moved to Kentucky - a foreign world to my young eyes. My siblings have always made fun of me for taking relocations the hardest. Upon hearing, two and a half years later, that we were moving to Chicago, my family found me crying my eyes out in my grandparents' closet. I suppose I'm a person who, left to herself, is a little girl who desperately hungers for safety and stability, but who is often forced to leave everything behind. It's been a very painful process, but I guess I'm grateful for it. After all, this world is not my home. But left to myself, I am so desperate to try to make it so.

One new sensation that I feel right now is an identity crisis. I guess that's because of my age this time. That and my whole family will not be here with me. Dad and Brittany in Mississippi, mom and Jake in Birmingham, myself and Betsy in Tuscaloosa. I suppose that's life, though. I've always been such a homebody and family person, so now that my family is not around me, I feel a bit lost. This part is always the worst - the limbo, the time when I am just waiting. Without friends, without a church, driving around a strange place that I know I will someday be ok with. I guess the hard part is that when I come home from college, it will be to a place where I have no memories. I will not have truly lived here. When people ask, "Where are you from?" What will I say....

The move was so abrupt, a fact which I know is partly my fault. I surprised myself this time, by not wishing to say any goodbyes. And I hardly did. I have some friends who are probably a bit peeved with me...but it's almost like I would rather just leave cold-turkey, than face all the goodbyes. I HATE goodbyes. But now I'm sitting here with a massive sense of non-closure.....

College in four days. Man, could God get me out of my comfort zone any more than I have been this summer? Unlikely. Knock on wood.

This may seem like a disconnected, jumbled post. My apologies. I think tomorrow, away from the melancholy of the night, I'll be up to sharing the more lighthearted events that have taken place. Oh yes, get excited people. (And by people I mean whoever is reading this, I surely don't know.)

India...India....India? Hmm..